I recently took part in a discussion panel on relationships. It’s not my main topic, I have to admit, but it was enjoyable to reflect on an area I don’t usually speak on in public. The panelist included two ladies (one in a relationship, one single) and myself who is married. The main question was what does it take to attract and sustain a fulfilling relationship.
Although the panelists were of different ages, sexes and cultures there did seem to be a thread of similarities emerging. Here is my take on what it takes to have a fulfilling relationship.
Start with yourself
Personally, I believe that you need to always start with yourself whenever you are looking to make a large life change. Too often we are influenced by outside factors in the media, our family, famous people and so on. My turning point came when I read the Power of Now in 2004. I realized that I had spent too much time looking for satisfaction from external things, before actually getting comfortable with myself. From this reflection, I realized that in fact my life philosophy was based around abundance in health, wealth and contribution and this has acted as my guide ever since. Start first with yourself. Ask yourself what is most important to you, what do you stand for and what are your standards. Focus only on yourself. This exercise can be challenging and you may need a close friend or family member to help you go through the process. Look at the way you spend your time outside work and you may get a clue. Look for your passions, enjoyments and ways that you feel totally satisfied.
Now you have a clearer idea on what you stand for, it’s time to think about the type of partner you wish to attract.
Know who you wish to attract
Sometimes its a good idea to start with the type of person you don’t want! Make a list of characteristics of the people you definitely would not wish to spend time with (lazy, alcoholic, rude etc). Write for about 5 minutes. Then, on another piece of paper write the opposites. (energetic, balanced, charming). Build up a profile that includes personality, attitudes to life as well as the (often easier) physical traits. You make want to keep this profile to yourself or share it with a close friend. But using the power of attraction can help. Like any goal or dream, the clearer the outcome and the more you focus upon that outcome in a positive way - the more likely you are to notice the opportunities when they become available.
Join organizations or associations where you might meet people with a similar profile. If one of the traits was a strong drive in career, look around for entrepreneurial organizations. If vitality was one, join a sports club. At the very least you will meet like-minded people and enjoy a stronger network.
Find the common zones
I believe that aligning common values is a powerful way to find a long lasting relationship (friendship included). Think about the friends you have kept since high school and university. The ones you are still in touch with and still have flowing conversations. You probably share a common interest or value. As you may know by now, self-improvement is a key value for me. So when I meet people I am often looking for “evidence” that they share the same value. If someone spends every evening after work drinking in a bar (nothing wrong in that in itself), they are unlikely to share my values of health and self-improvement. Take a look at the values that you have. Which ones would you not sacrifice. Which ones are flexible. When you meet someone who you think fits your profile, ask yourself what common zones you have. Would these sustain your relationship over time? Many happy marriages are built on friendship. I personally think an ideal partner is also your best friend, someone who is easy to talk with and can share and resolve problems together.
Reinvent the path you are both taking
Once you are in a relationship, the challenge is to sustain and keep the partnership fresh. Routine and habit are the twin killers to many relationships. Routine and habit lead to boredom which leads to dissatisfaction and after a while you are wondering what brought you together in the first place. One step you can take is to share and align your dreams. Many of you ( I hope) have written goals and dreams. I review them in December every year to update and refocus my efforts for the coming year. Now that I am married, my wife and I both go through this process and have aligned our family dreams and goals. This was a tricky process at first but the benefit is that it gives a common purpose, language and expression to the activities you are doing thoroughout the year. You can ask yourselves, “Would this take us towards our common destination” In fact, I have found that there is nothing more rewarding that having two people very committed to the same purpose. It’s like a private mastermind group. What common dreams do you both have? Make them visual with a dream book or dream board where you can post up pictures of how your dream future will look like. Review them together and keep adding to them.
Finding a fulfilling relationship is top of many people’s list but often people look for answers outside before they find direction on the inside. Take some time to clarify your own values and life purpose and you will start to attract the right people into your life. Then align your common zones and find ways to reinvent your relationship. Its not an easy thing to do but the benefits are tremendous.